Today wrecked me. I don’t even know how to write this. How do you write about your own speechless sadness? How do you write about how people you’ve known forever can say things that make you physically sick to your stomach? How do I write this? How do I articulate this hopelessness I feel?

After school today, I didn’t go straight home. I didn’t go and get started on my homework. I didn’t immediately go get food. I didn’t do any of my normal things.

Instead, I sat in my car and cried. I sat there and cried for a good twenty minutes. I cried, and cried, and cried.

I cried because today was the day I really did become disillusioned with our country. I cried because I realized how small I was in the face of the utter hopelessness I felt. I cried because of how much in the world just feels like utter and total crap.

Today, in opposition to the President’s plan for the acceptance of 10,000 refugees into the country, our Texas Governor Abbott released a letter to President Obama saying that Texas would not allow Syrian refugees into our state because of threats from terrorists. He was joined by now 22 other US state governors.

So that’s why I cry.

Because once again, we have let the actions of a few affect our view of millions of people who need help. Because once again, we have let the actions of those who warp the message of an entire religion define our actions. And once again, we have proven why we are going to repeat history over and over and over again.

When will we stop this? What is it going to take?

There are an estimated 9.5 million refugees displaced from their homes in Syria.

9.5 million.

And we, the United States of America, the beacon of the American Dream, the leader of the world, the shining example to all the universe, can’t take in 10,000 people whose lives have been shattered by the senseless violence we have sworn up and down we will help eradicate.

How?

How?

I can’t even fathom how we can think like this. Out of those 10,000 refugees, Texas would have to take in such a small number that it actually insane to think we are going to refuse aiding these people. Say its 200, say its 400, say its even 2,000, say we have to take all 10,000 in ourselves, say it ends up being way more than that. How can we turn our backs on these men, women, and children? I have more people in my high school than we would have to take in. Just the number of students at Allen High School is comparative to the HALF the number of refugees Obama is proposing to take in for the whole of America.

We preach the greatness of America every freaking day of our lives. Our state legislature even had a fit last year over the fact that AP US History wasn’t talking enough about how exceptional America is.

WHEN WE DO THINGS LIKE THIS HOW CAN WE BELIEVE THIS?

America is the best. We have the best military. We are the leader of the world. We are the best. That has been drilled into our minds since we were five years old.

How can we expect to be the leader of the world when we cannot extend humanitarian aid to a population of people whose lives have been destroyed by the kind of violence and destruction we condemn as the act of psychopaths? Again, maybe its just my idealistic view of the world (which has been extremely tarnished today), but in my head I thought that striving to be the best was about more than just your military, or your economy, or your technology. How can we say we are the leader of the world when we cannot extend compassion towards our fellow human beings?

Yes, humans. Living breathing people. Fathers who had jobs and provided for their families. Mothers who want the best for their children. Children whose lives and families and homes have been ripped away from them at an age most of us couldn’t even fathom real loss. People who need our help no matter their religion, their nationality, or the color of their skin.

These are PEOPLE. Humans who couldn’t possibly care less about the politics of America. Humans whose plight should not even be affected by politics. If there is one thing we should be able to band together behind, it’s this. Screw your views on what you think the role of government is. Screw the politics behind it. Screw the thoughts on how we are going to support refugees.

If we cannot answer this call, then what even are we? Are our golden lives in American so far removed from the face of conflict on this Earth that we can really wipe our hands clean of this situation and these people? If we cannot be an example of human compassion and relief, then none of these things even matter. Our advanced military, our renowned quality of life, our economy, our billions of dollars spent on campaigns and elections, none of it. None of it matters. None of the trivial things I do matter.

I sat in my car today thinking about how for the last three weeks I’ve been worried about my calculus grade more than anything else. How I’ve been obsessed with my college apps. How I spent $50 on freaking makeup the other day. What does any of that matter? When 9.5 million people are displaced from their homes, from their beds, from their lives, why does any of this even matter? And that’s just Syria. I sat in my car and thought of all the other situations in the world where people suffer and I felt so small and inconsequential and worthless.

What do I do? Days like this I want to drop everything and find something to DO. I want to DO something. I’m tired of sitting around and watching this happen. I needed a wake-up call, and I guess that’s what I got. We need to set our priorities straight.

So what are we going to do?

Candidates for the presidency of the United States are calling for religious tests for refugees coming into the country, or only accepting Christians, or not accepting refugees at all. We have He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Trump obviously) who again is RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES, saying that we should SHUT DOWN MOSQUES because that is where threats could gather. We have our politicians, our leaders, our community, and of course inexplicably my friends on Facebook, condemning a whole religion for the actions of extremists who have killed thousands upon thousands of Muslims themselves. Tragedies in the West have Facebook filters and Snapchat filters and hashtags to express support, garnering an amazing amount of well wishes and prayers, while simultaneous tragedies like the deaths in Beirut are viewed as just another day.

These refugees are running from terrorists, running from death, only to be accused of being terrorists themselves when they try to seek asylum.

I don’t know what we should do. I don’t know of an exact plan and I don’t know what should happen. As much as I care about this, as much as I care about these people, as much as I ache for these refugees, I’m 17 and I don’t have the knowledge or know how to define a plan of action, I just don’t.

But if there is one thing I do know, it’s that this fearmongering is a repeat of history that I am appalled to see happen again. Japanese internment? Fear of those of German origin during World War II? Turning away refugees from Europe during the reign of Hitler? Any of this ring a bell? When will we realize that condemning millions of people because of our fear doesn’t get us anywhere? When will we realize that humanitarian aid trumps all of this stupid stuff we talk about?

So I’m disappointed in my country. I’m disappointed in my state of Texas. I’m disappointed in my governor. I’m disappointed in my community. I’m disappointed in myself. I wish I could point out a brighter future or a light at the end of the tunnel. But I can’t.

I really, really wish I could.

Today, I saw my country that I love so much fall before my eyes. I experienced a sadness that I can’t ignore and I can’t get rid of. I pray for those in the Middle East who are suffering from senseless violence, I pray for the victims and families of victims in Paris, I pray for those who will die tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. And I pray for the soul of my country and my state, because we seem to have lost that foundation of hope and opportunity that all of our families came to America for.

As for me, I’m done with just sitting around and not doing anything. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know what it will entail, but I am going to do something. These children, these people, cannot wait for help that our world is not going to give. We live in a bubble that is rarely penetrated by the type of devastation these people live with, and if we cannot acknowledge that and the help we can offer them, then we have truly lost our priorities in the face of the trivialities of our daily lives. I hope we are better than that, I really do.